Memoirs of a White Boy, written in cold blood with a toothpick [entries|friends|calendar] James' Best Friends Space Profile [ website | This Space Is MySpace, This Space Is YourSpace ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[31 Jan 2012|01:54am] Love, James 2 comments|post comment

[21 Jan 2012|10:42am] Everything has sucked, but there is a clear, obvious answer I just thought of that I predict will motivate me forever. Love, James post comment

[18 Jan 2012|12:07am] I feel there's a mutual admiration between the two of us, but my experience with relationships or lack thereof has led me to believe that the only difference between what we have and what I want is sex. So the challenge becomes: How do I tactfully suggest that we start having sex with each other? Maybe I should get to know more women so that I don't lose my shit whenever one of them is nice to me. Or maybe she continues to call me up and invite me over to her house every other night for a reason. Maybe that reason is just that she's found someone she gets along with in Davidson. If a woman were throwing herself at me, I don't think I could tell. I think all I can do is keep freaking them out with pure honesty until one of them finds something endearing about it. Love, James post comment

[13 Jan 2012|07:37am] I'm going to move to Ohio some time in the next couple years. I'm gonna live in the whole state. Love, James 2 comments|post comment

[12 Jan 2012|01:46pm] I think I've become more certain about how I want to spend my time and with whom I want to spend it. Love, James post comment

[30 Nov 2011|10:00pm] Why do I continue to give a fuck about somebody who sincerely expresses their emotions with extended quotations by Drake? Love, James 8 comments|post comment

[26 Nov 2011|03:55pm] I need to get better at documenting my inspiration, even when I'm uninspired. Too many times I've heard or seen certain ideas I had like a year prior executed by other people, but 90% of the time I feel like My version would've been better. Love, James post comment

[24 Nov 2011|07:31pm] A conversation with Bill and Darrin about Ender's Game led to an explanation on my part of how Ender's relation with Peter is the only sibling relationship in film or literature that I felt was like my own. Bill went on to explain some of the plot behind the sequels and expanded universe, which I'd never read. I found it eery how similar the plot between Ender and Peter was to the one I'd written for the fictionalized versions of myself and Sam in "The Human Crumb," particularly the parts where Peter wins political power and uses it to start a fear campaign against his own little brother. Sam is unpleasant most of the time, but something about the holidays really brings out the senselessly antagonistic bullshit. The fact that my mom plays favorites with me also doesn't help. It just makes me uncomfortable, but my basis for comparison is such that I am lauded with praise for washing off my own dishes. The fact that I can make my own eggs is enough for my mom to say "You inspire me." I'm tired of trying to make sense of living with this family. It makes no sense. My dad sitting in the back of it all figuring out "Boys of Summer" on a ukelele is pretty funny, though. Love, James. Happy Thanksgiving. post comment

[31 Oct 2011|10:10pm] I've been unable to start working towards anything I want to accomplish. I don't know if I need to somehow summon the discipline to work towards these tremendously ambitious goals all by myself, like I decided would be "good for me," or make some kind of clean break from my family and this area in which I find myself desperately unfulfilled and incapable of naming any consistently positive influences in my life. I spend most of my mental energy obsessed with finding a way to live in the house with a) a lack of organized space, b) my manic depressive family, c) a dog that is specifically my responsibility whom I don't have the heart to give up for adoption or strangle in his sleep, and now d) no driving privileges. I really can't tell if the right thing for me to do would be to try to organize my room and basement into productive safe-havens, continue to politely ignore the senselessly chaotic exchanges between my family members, get a job, save money, work on my projects and continue giving Seamus a loving home until my driving privileges are reinstated... OR... just say fuck it to all of my responsibilities and go somewhere on a bus with the money I've saved and no real work experience. I just know that my desperation is overwhelming my patience right now. I haven't made a truly self-centered gesture in a while, the kind that people say would be "good for me." Or maybe I'll figure everything out when I meet a good woman, like most of the similarly desperate friends I know and respect did. Or maybe I'll start using heroin like the others. Love, James post comment

[31 Oct 2011|01:13pm] I need to attend a party where I can enter a conversation without the topic immediately changing to "You use a lot of big words." In one such incident last night, somebody explained that he tries to simplify what he says as much as possible because Stalin swayed influence from Lenin by speaking in broader terms. I am now certain that I use verbosity as a way of seeming polite, because when he was done speaking I proceeded to say "You have a bullshit attitude about social interaction" in so many words and analogies. Love, James post comment

[15 Oct 2011|07:21pm] I think I've come to terms with abandoning any notion of a normal social life around Charlotte and taking the plunge into eccentric, reclusive crackpotism. Here's to hoping I don't come out on the other side a full-blown alcoholic. Cheers. Love, James 2 comments|post comment

[10 Oct 2011|08:39pm] I have a goal to make a miniature backyard recording studio (whenever I live on a good property) made out of cement and beer bottles and soundproofed with portable sheets of egg cartons attached to corks placed in the mouths of the bottles. The corks could also be modified into special fixtures that allow microphones to be placed anywhere along the walls and ceiling. This Dagobah-style hut would have a separate control room that also functions as a study, with bookshelves and desks that conform to the walls. I'd like to save up money so that I could install solar panels and a battery back up system. Because of my accident, I at least know that I won't be going anywhere for six months if my driving privileges are completely revoked. I'm suddenly in a job-finding mood. I think I could save a lot of money without having to pay gas or rent for the next few months, and I've finally thought of some things I'd like to try in my young adult life that might require a few thousand dollars and six months of precise research/planning. Love, James post comment

[05 Oct 2011|11:50pm] Tomorrow I'm going to LKN Regional for an MRI and an EEG. All of this seems absolutely clinical and mundane until key phrases such as "We'll be taking an MRI of your brain" start to sink in. Just for clarity, I completely and inexplicably blacked out while driving and wound up suddenly in an ambulance. I talked to a witness, a father of a friend of mine, who said that I suddenly began to accelerate rapidly into a tree. I was taken to CMC in Charlotte and came out relatively unharmed. I'm fine physically, but the doctors told me that it was most likely I had a seizure while driving. A neurologist told me that at worst I probably have a minor late onset form of epilepsy that can be fully treated with medication and not have to cause me any problems for the rest of my life. If that is the case, however, that means that I won't be allowed to drive a car for six months, and I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do in that case. ...learn to use buses? Besides that, my only ambition for the past few months has been to start touring soon, which is now more complicated. Love, James 5 comments|post comment

[11 Sep 2011|10:23pm] I feel kinda shitty because I just pointed out to Andrew that we'd been sitting around doing and saying literally nothing for a while and pretty much just instructed him to leave, saying coldly, "I don't see what purpose this serves." At the same time, it's necessary. If I feel like I need a serious reason to be hanging out with someone then why the hell do we hang out so much? Probably because Andrew qualifies as my best friend around here, and as one of the few people that I actually trust. I guess I just don't want to be sick of him by the time I actually have the energy and inspiration to hang out with someone. Last night I got to visit Derek, Emily, and Korey at their new house. It was very refreshing and put me in a good mood all the way through the end of my tedious yardwork after I got home. But then Stewart came over, smoked me out, and proceeded to talk shit about all of my friends who talk shit about him. We talked about nothing together (I find most of my interaction around here to be incredibly one-sided, unless I'm interjecting to call someone an immature little bitch in so many words) and he left. After I picked Seamus up from the groomer, I replied to Andrew who normally makes several attempts to hang out in a day. It's fine as long as we're up and moving, but some times it's Sunday night. I don't feel like we have the kind of bond I have with certain people where we can really get along in a room by ourselves without any stimulation. I don't have that bond with anyone around here, really. Is this some kind of indication that I just don't like someone? That we don't really share the same interests, problems, or perspective? That they normally don't make me laugh or think about anything or challenge me in any way? Why do I always have people like that over to my house? Besides not successfully completing the things I want to, I guess most of my problems stem from the fact that I would rather smoke pot or read or play music by myself than interact with any humans I know around here most of the time. Though I suppose it's better to work towards what I find fulfilling than to pointlessly socialize with people I just plain don't like when I'm honest... ...dick. Love, James post comment

[03 Sep 2011|11:58am] I really wish I could play music with people who don't feel the need to relate everything to some form of rock in order to play along. I really wish all of the rappers/DJs I knew weren't so fucking concerned about crowd pleasing and using their talents to try to be liked (as people) by as many others as possible, to the point that they all sound like the Black Eyed Peas. I really wish that people in general didn't take so much shit for granted as far as what they should and shouldn't do to express themselves. I chose to work with the last few people I did because I felt we shared similar attitudes and ambitions. I've learned, however, that that doesn't guarantee a person is creative in a way that interests me. After a few practices, things normally veer in a direction I just don't care about. I don't just want to tell others what to play, so I just try to convey the type of mood to create. But when I encourage others make their own contributions, I just don't like what they come up with. I think the only satisfying thing I can do is work on what I'm making on my own, make it as outrageous as I want it to be, and play some shows/make some demos to either show the people I know what I'm really interested in doing or attract other musicians I might actually wanna play with. Or I may find I just prefer to work alone, although I often worry that I choose routes that ensure I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. I derive much satisfaction from making progress on the projects I care about, but it seems the more I create on my own, the less I feel like I can relate to most people in a meaningful way (it doesn't help that I don't live within a socially reasonable distance to anyone with whom I feel a serious kinship, the kind that's been missing in my life lately). But who knows? That could all change after I've started to present whatever it is I'm presenting in public. Love, James post comment

[30 Aug 2011|07:08pm] This glimpse that we've been given of each other as lovers has shown me we were more than just a couple uncles left alone with each other. I also thought we'd make a great father and mother had we adopted. I'm glad I had this talk with you, brother. Love, James post comment

[28 Aug 2011|07:39pm] I ran into a friend I knew from high school, who remarked that I seem happier now than I did in 10th grade. How right she was. I really have no reason to be upset right now. I am a white American male with literally thousands of opportunities to express myself freely in a variety of ways every single day. I have no job, but no financial obligations and I've taken advantage of the opportunity to relax, take a break, and sort some things out for over three years. From all of that time, I have dozens of ideas to flesh out and plenty of resources to do so. I have a lot of prospects and I could probably just work on the things I wanted to and not have a job for the rest of the year if I felt like it (although I secretly yearn to have a regular-ass minimum wage job). Some times I get upset about writing songs with people who don't know how well off they are. Love, James post comment

[24 Aug 2011|01:09am] Blaine and I have reformed as That Magnitude. We will write some songs and I will play drums on a demo made to recruit a drummer. We've shed the emoish conspiracy theorist songwriter from Langlee and have agreed to experiment with a variety of styles unlike our previous band. I'm taking a week to build up my music-playing strengths while writing some material, working on my voice, and casually jamming with some of my friends. So now I have two projects with other people. Being responsible to others is usually a good way to inspire myself to work hard. And both projects provide opportunities for completely separate ideas. I just need to make sure that I don't agree to make music with anyone else at this point. I need to try to get a job tomorrow. Let's hope that my anxieties about applying for and following up on job requests doesn't prevent me from getting paid on a regular basis the way I deserved to be compensated for living. Like, what if I weren't broke all the time? Andrew and I had a bet that he didn't agree to but I totally did that the first one of us to get a job has to feed a plate of our own shit to the unemployed among us two. Andrew wants to not be employed, so I can't wait to make him totally throw up all over the place. Love, James post comment

[20 Aug 2011|07:50pm] Andrew and I have started to practice as Sea Uncles. We write songs as the middle-aged bachelor versions of ourselves sailing back in time to reverse our greatest regrets in life, only to fail miserably and learn a few valuable lessons along the way. We play these songs with a variety of instruments. Andrew is also enthusiastic about touring and practicing hard. I can only hope my enthusiasm keeps up with him Lately I've been wondering about how much my lack of a romantic/sexual partner affects what I want in life. Love, James post comment

[10 Aug 2011|11:41pm] I've decided to start constructing (choreographing?) and acting out embarrassing, ludicrous public displays in a commitment to completely eliminate my capacity for shame. Love, James post comment

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